and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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