cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
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