then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
