oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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