Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
