So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
