saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
