Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm too high and old for this...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
