Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
