Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I need water and some morals
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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