don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
