everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Two words: blizzard sex
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
