Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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