If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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