my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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