I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
