When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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