The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
