I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
