I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
