I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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