youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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