I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
