I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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