I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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