Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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