Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
