she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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