I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
