I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
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There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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