when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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