I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
