so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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