Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
