Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
