You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
