I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
