I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
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the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
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Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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