I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You are the jesus of drinking
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
