after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
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4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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