Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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