She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
