It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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