Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
