fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
