M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
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A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i believe in u and ur pee
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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