I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
only you would photoshop your dick
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
this is an emotional support booty call
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
