Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
