We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
