u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
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our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
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She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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