I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
