I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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