fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
