We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
