You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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