Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
