its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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