just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
