I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
ok first of all what the fuck
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
