Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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