So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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