I accidentally had phone sex last night
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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